By MARIA WINKLER

It is 6:00 a.m., and the sound of the gong wakes me for a full day of silent meditation. By 6:30, I am expected to be settled in the meditation hall. We begin the day with mindful movement to help loosen our bodies so that we can sit quietly, without fidgeting, for many hours of meditation and receive the valuable teachings.

The day is interspersed with healthy and flavorful meals eaten mindfully, conscious walks, 45 minutes of working meditation and periods of rest.

As we sit still, we are gently guided by Roshi Hogen Bays and Roshi Chozen Bays to become aware of the five senses—seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting and touching. I tune in to each sense consecutively.

Then we are introduced to the sixth sense: mind consciousness and thinking. This is a sense I was never taught to recognize during 18 years of formal education.

While the workings of the five senses feel familiar, it is the sixth sense that truly deserves attention.

How do I relate to my thoughts? I find that many of them are critical and not helpful. 

When I call my thinking “critical,” I am referring to a subtle but persistent habit of judging. I judge others for not meeting my expectations. I judge myself. I judge circumstances for not aligning with my preferences.

Much of it is not dramatic or loud. It is quiet, repetitive and relentless. 

Help comes from a guided meditation by Roshi Hogen who simply states, “It is just a thought. We do not have to believe it.”

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When this insight lands, I feel it physically. My body relaxes. There is both relief and disbelief. Disbelief that I have unquestioningly believed every thought that crossed my mind for decades. Relief at the possibility of freedom.

Roshi Hogan continues by naming a particularly destructive thought pattern:

“I would be happier if…”

                 or

“I will be happier when…”

I could finish these sentences with at least a thousand variations:

I would be happier if my hair were fuller.

I would be happier if my husband did this and not that.

I would be happier if my children called me every single day.

I would be happier if the weather were warmer, colder, or less windy.

I would be happier if the governor did this and not that.

If the president did this and not that.

If the prime minister of another country did not do this.

If the European Union were less regulatory.

If China did this or that. 

And on the list goes.

I realized I can easily come up with a thousand reasons to make myself miserable. What a quagmire I have created. I, and only I, have constructed a destructive minefield of thoughts that prevents me from feeling happy, content and equanimous. 

Seeing this clearly feels like stepping out of fog. There are relief and a sense of spaciousness where there had been contraction. There is also curiosity: If I do not have to believe every thought, what becomes possible? 

This change feels potentially life-altering. I understand that insight alone is not enough. It will take practice, patience, perseverance, and above all, kindness toward myself.

After the retreat, when I notice the old critical voice returning, I practice recognizing it gently: “Ah, there is that thought again.”

Becoming aware of this mental process and actively cultivating healthier mind states through practice is a profound gift I have received once again during this retreat at FCM.

I am immensely grateful to be a member of this community, to have the opportunity to study under the guidance of Fred, the senior Dharma instructors and visiting teachers, and to attend these retreats.

Maria lives with her husband, Gunther, in Naples for six months of the year. The remaining months are divided between Boulder, Colorado, and Boston. She has been a member of FCM since 2015.