By BRANDY KIDD

Of all the many Dharma-related conversations I have with folks inside and outside the sangha, the conversations about solitary retreats are the ones met with the most curiosity and awe (mostly by those who haven’t gone on a solitary retreat). A lot of questions ensue: 

Q: Is it true that you don’t talk at all during the entire retreat??

A:  Only with the teacher during the daily interview.

Follow-up Q: How do you DO that??

A: What started out scary turns out to be surprisingly wonderful.

Q: Is it true that you have no phones, no computers, no books, no journals?

A:  Only the text that the teacher suggests or that you request to work on.

Follow-up Q: How do you DO that??

A:  What started out intimidating turns out to be quite lovely.

These questions highlight the acclimatization most all of us have experienced to constant stimulation and interaction via texts, social media, emails, podcasts and books available instantly and always to us. That going without for a few days actually sparks trepidation in so many people’s minds is quite understandable.  

And if I’m being honest, when I began attending solitary retreats a dozen years ago, I felt the same way. Back then I was in the heart of parenting younger kids, working full time, and busy with sangha life. The idea and the practice of letting it all go was disconcerting. I couldn’t fathom what I would do with that much silence, that much space, that much “idle” time. It certainly highlighted how very attached I was to my worldly life. Accordingly, I began with very short solitary retreats: the three-night minimum.  

And at first, there were challenges. The places where I still had emotional healing to do would show up on retreat. I would feel anxiety. I would feel lonely. The Inner Critic would show up on retreat with me, absolutely uninvited. Fred’s support was key in helping me move through those experiences, as afflictive habit energies and schemas began to dissipate over time. It wasn’t always peaceful, that’s for sure.

In recent years, I have begun to look forward to these retreats more and more. But the challenge now is to not just “bliss out,” but rather to stay in that state of open, spacious, awake awareness that is our true nature (to be the Host more than a very “chill” Guest). It feels so good to be able to take a break from the discursive mind, but that’s not the path. In fact, it’s just the beginning. As Patrul Rinpoche warns: “stillness, bliss, and clarity: disrupt them again and again.” 

The main thing I’ve learned is to show up with zero attachments to how I want the retreat to unfold. My only aim need be to stay open, awake, aware, and compassionate to whatever arises, both within the four two-hour meditation sessions, and during the breaks in between, while enjoying a meal or a walk in the gardens. And also: to be brave; to be diligent, knowing that the more I practice, the more I can help my self and others.  

In this way, how to show up on solitary retreat is very much how I aspire to show up everyday in life (and also at death), “with no difference between meditation and post-meditation, no division between sessions and breaks. BUT (caps are mine), until stability is attained, it is vital to meditate, away from all distractions and busyness, (p)racticing in proper meditation sessions” (another bow to Patrul Rinpoche).

In other words: it’s vital to retreat. 

Brandy Kidd, who is currently serving as leader of the FCM Naples sangha, is an ordained member of the Order of Interbeing who also works as a psychotherapist in Naples and who loves being mom to two adult kiddos and a sweet, attention-seeking hound dog.