By JONI MASSE

My first encounter with FCM was to attend a retreat on patience. After searching the web for a Buddhist teacher, I chose to pursue this weekend event, knowing I was deeply in need of guidance on how to develop a keener practice of patience coupled with the practice I already had for over 30 years.

I sought wisdom so I could also be kinder, more loving, and less attached to an outcome over which I had no control – the aging process, sickness, and ultimately death.

My husband’s health was clearly declining and since he and I do not always see eye to eye on health-related issues, I believed patience would be an asset to benefit our journey together as we moved through this period of our lives. The retreat gave me far more than I hoped for, and since then, patience has often lent its hand in my quest for equanimity, embodying loving kindness. 

Why would I need extra patience, you might ask. After 30 years of being in relationship, I’d come to accept how different our habits could be, and there had been many times I had found patience accompanied by compassion helped ease suffering in my mind. I anticipated diving deeper as I watched my husband continue to battle his smoking addiction while his lungs clearly were saying, “stop.” He also did not trust Western medicine; he had not seen a doctor in over 40 years. 

After an acute episode of breathing difficulty and a short stay in the hospital with a diagnosis of high blood pressure and severe COPD, he began to realize the benefits of Western medicine. That was one month following my retreat. 

Patience came in handy as his habits are often in conflict with mine. He likes to put things off till later, and I like to get them done asap. A year after his first hospitalization he found his body in extreme pain along with some acute bleeding. This was about eight months ago, when I was in the middle of the Intensive “Deconstructing the Myth of Self.” We sat up together one entire night while he was passing large clots when he peed and was in such pain he could not walk, but he chose not to go to the emergency room. We were both scared.

Practicing mindfulness, loving kindness, and extreme patience got me through that hellish night. In the morning, he agreed to go to the ER and two months later he was going through surgery for bladder cancer. 

Now we are four months out since his surgery. He has not smoked since, and he is committed to better health. I am committed to supporting him through the journey, as he experienced setbacks and had another hospitalization. We are growing as a couple while we find solace in our spiritual commitments and our commitment toward a healthier relationship.

A practice as simple as experiencing my own imperfection at cleaning a rug at FCM has helped me during this time. I am experiencing equanimity from my continued practice of meditation and studying the Dharma, in addition to the recent choice of my giving time to selfless service on Tuesdays with the cleaning crew.

The Dharma and patience led me to the Tuesday mornings. I make it to the center to meditate and offer my service. I feel joyful and grateful. I feel love. I feel at home. When I mindfully clean, I am given moments of insight into my practice: dropping the story, the attachments, the ego, the desires, and simply feeling the lessons, giving me peace.

I remember at the patience retreat Fred speaking about the traffic. Since I live an hour away from the center, traffic has been a deterrent for me. Now on Tuesday mornings, driving an hour each way with traffic I also encounter numerous moments to practice patience. I now look forward to pausing at red lights, traffic jams and delays.

I move more slowly. Cleaning gives me moments of non-self and patience as I deliberately attempt to get each speck of dirt off the rug, witnessing my attachment to such a desire, and the state of grace I feel when I let it all go. The sense of fellowship I receive from the sisters at the center is very heartwarming and comforting, as well, and feeds my spirit.

Offering to serve in whatever capacity I am needed sheds a bit attachment of ego as well. And I practice patience…as I know my Ego and Self have always leaned a bit toward being an overachiever and loves efficiency and “getting a lot done in a short period of time”, but this is not what selfless service is about. So, I get to LET GO of the Self who has a habit of doing things fast and furious while ignoring other insights.

What began in a retreat for developing patience, wanting to be recognized by the community for my years of “accomplished” spiritual lifestyle, seeking like-minded beings to support me in my journey, has evolved to cleaning specks of dirt off a rug, and feeling grateful for the experience to serve others.

So when you enter the hall, know that I have cleaned with loving kindness in my heart and if you see a speck of dirt, realize that too was a gift for my spiritual development. 

Joni Masse of Tarpon Springs began her conscious spiritual practice about 35 years ago, when she became a yoga teacher and lived in an intentional Yoga community. That led her to study Buddhism at a Buddhist inspired college, Naropa University in Boulder CO and to follow Pema Chodron and her many books and online courses. Finding a center like FCM in the spring of 2024 has given her a sangha and a live teacher, and she is deeply grateful.