By RAJ GOYAL

Arriving at the Florida Community of Mindfulness always feels like returning to a sanctuary. The stillness of the Zen garden, the gentle trickle of water and the nourishing silence of the sangha have a way of loosening knots I didn’t even realize I’d been carrying. In this space, the mind softens, and the heart quietly opens.

For the past six months, I had been working through Part One and into Part Two of the Deconstructing the Myth of Self Intensive, taking deliberate steps to observe the structure of self. I came eager to go deeper in the August retreat, but a week before the retreat, my mother had a TIA. In an instant, I was swept back into the identity of “responsible son.” The sense of “me” became sharper, heavier.

Through reflection—and my parents’ loving encouragement—I realized they had the resources to manage without me. That recognition allowed me to arrive fully.

The drive to the center became my first practice. With each mile, my thoughts slowed, my breath deepened. By the time I stepped onto the grounds, gratitude filled me—gratitude for my wife and family, who had given me the space to be here, and for the chance to turn inward without distraction.

Early in the retreat, I noticed subtle triggers from daily life. My aspiration was to look beyond the content of these triggers and examine the architecture of self. Turning toward my “mistrust” schema in inner child work brought waves of sadness, suspicion and insecurity.

Betsy Arizu, the retreat leader, with her steady presence and compassionate guidance, created a path for exploring these wounds safely. Her process was so clear and impactful. In the embrace of the sangha, I could question long-held stories, gently offering my inner child new evidence that these old truths were not absolute. New, healthier beliefs began to take root.

There were moments of resistance, especially when memories cut close to the bone. At times, missing my family pulled me away from the present moment. When that happened, I walked slowly through the Zen garden, letting breath and step become one. Guided meditations with Misti Oxford-Pickeral and Bill Mac Millen brought me back to the work at hand. Misti’s almost angelic voice in the morning chanting set the tone for each day with clarity and intention.

One of the most powerful moments came during deep sharing after the inner child sessions. I felt raw yet held. The community’s presence gave strength to the tender perspectives I was forming. It was as if we were not only loosening the knots within ourselves but gently untangling each other’s as well.

In those moments, I felt what it means to take true refuge—in the Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha—rather than in the delusive, conditioned self.

Since returning home, I’ve deepened my daily meditation, aspirations and intentions. My journey with the book Emotional Alchemy continues, now with a sharper focus on the schemas that construct the self. As Zen Master Dōgen wrote, “To study Buddhism is to study the self; to study the self is to forget the self.”

Raj Goyal began his practice in 2017, starting with yoga and moving toward longer meditations. He found FCM about two or three years ago and has embraced its community ever since. He live in Odessa, FL, with his wife and their three daughters (ages 5, 13 and 15). This year is dedicated to deep self-work for his own growth and for his family.