By TAMY SKYE FAIERMAN

Each time I pull up to Nebraska Avenue after a four-hour drive north, it feels like returning home. Home to myself. This was to be the fifth, and longest, silent retreat I had attended at FCM during the past two-and-a- half years.

On the first evening, Fred began the Wisdom Retreat by asking us to state our intentions for our seven days of silence. "I want to meet my attachments and free myself of them," I spoke into the mic. Fred smiled and nodded, reassuring me I was in the right place. 

The seven days of silence cultivated a haven for the teachings to land more deeply within us. A daily schedule including sitting meditation, walking meditation, and work meditation were intermixed with mindful eating of three scrumptious meals. Every single moment of retreat included an opportunity to practice the Dharma.

On opening night Fred assured us that together we would co-create this retreat and meet our original unborn mind. He certainly delivered on his promises.

On the first day, he reminded us to begin our meditations by grounding in the body, bringing us into the present moment. Then he shared Shantideva’s wisdom of keeping vigilant mindfulness by putting a Guard at the Gate of our mind. This set the tone for the entire retreat as my mind kept returning to wake up the Guard whenever he became sleepy or negligent.  

Fred’s Dharma talks guided us to investigate the emptiness of mind, thoughts and self. These were followed by Angie’s guided meditations which pointed us to look directly as mind, thoughts, and self arise and disappear, denoting their impermanent and empty nature. 

Fred took us through contemplations to distinguish between thoughts and awareness. By using mindful labeling of each thought we noticed when we were in "thinking mind" and when we rested in "awareness mind". After days of these practices I became quickly aware when my mind wandered off. Looking directly at my attachments, especially to my children, showed me clearly that when examined more deeply, these attachments were simply empty thoughts. 

On day four, we were offered a private interview with Fred. I sat facing him with tears in my eyes, feeling I had uncovered a treasure. 

"So what you’re saying is that this life is always just this?" I asked. 

He returned a knowing smile and gently said "Yes, and you’re just getting a taste of it. You’re seeing just this in lower case. And there is Just This in upper case. There is so, so much more."

My eyes opened wide as I heard myself ask, "So I need to trust?"

"Yes," Fred said. "Trust in the teachings. Trust in the teacher."

I received my instructions and walked out feeling a full body YES. 

Something in me knew what he meant and at the same time, I couldn't verbalize it. I had experienced the very nature of just this-ness and felt deeply committed to the path. 

On my four-hour drive home, the silence of the road beneath me and the horizon ahead bathed me in wonder. I felt the mind calmer and more spacious. Just Awareness. Just this. During my drive, I solidified my aspirations: 

--Commit to a daily sitting practice starting with the Four Thoughts

--Set the Plum Village ap Bell of Mindfulness on my phone every 20 minutes, reminding me to bring my attention to my breath and take three conscious deep intentional breaths each time it rings

--Attend more in-person and online sangha-based activities throughout the year so as to have the support I need to light up my bodhicitta. 

I left the retreat having experienced the empty nature of mind, thoughts, and self. Now I just needed to stay committed. Patrul Rinpoche’s words accompanied us throughout the entire retreat in a poster that stood near the altar. I copied his words into my journal and carried them home in my heart as inspiration to remember my commitment to the Dharma path :

"Each instant, put your heart into it again. 

"Each moment, remind yourself again. 

"Each second, check yourself again. 

"Night and day, make your resolve again. 

"In the morning, commit yourself again. 

"Each meditation practice, examine mind minutely. 

"Never be apart from the Dharma, not even accidentally. 

"Continually, do not forget."

Tamy Skye Faierman, of Cooper City,  has lived in Florida since 2001 and came to FCM two- and-a-half years ago to find sangha to support and deepen her practice. She has been practicing for eight years and began the journey of self-discovery 16 years ago. She has five kids aged 17-27 and a snuggly ginger cat. Several years ago, after 25 years of working as a plastic and reconstructive surgeon, she retired her scalpel and transformed into a Soul Surgeon, supporting others to dive deeply into themselves.