By JUNE HEMBERGER
“GONG!” went the bell that woke me the first morning. Outside my window at Great Cloud Refuge in Tampa, birds were chirping their morning songs, and the fountain watering the beautiful garden was gurgling a melody.
Thus began a day of sitting meditation, walking meditation, talks by Fred, along with a bit of working meditation, and qigong. We moved through the day silently, with no need to be sociable, or to say please and thank you. For me the silence was very calming and peaceful, supporting my inward focus, and helping me to remember Thich Nhat Hanh’s teaching, “The way out is in”. Silent meals encouraged me to chew my food slowly, taking pleasure in the taste and texture of the delicious meals prepared lovingly by FCM's kitchen volunteers.
Fred began our study of vexations at the four-day retreat, “The Perfection of Patience: Transforming Vexation into Understanding and Equanimity,” by encouraging us to identify those vexations, or irritations, we personally experience most frequently. My list was long -- annoyance, defensiveness, hurt and self righteousness, to name just a few.
Annoyance and hurt are the feelings which arise most often for me. Recognizing these feelings as unwholesome emotions that arise uninvited in my mind was particularly helpful. If we welcome them in, they’ll take over and cause obsessive thinking and mounting irritation and suffering. Therefore,
Fred explained, we need "a guard at the gate” of our minds, with very specific instructions as to what we want that guard to allow into our minds. Unwholesome thoughts and feelings? No, just show them the door. Wholesome thoughts and feelings, like compassion and acceptance? Yes, please, come right in and stay a while.
Next, we asked ourselves what fundamental views we have -- that we don’t always know we have -- about life and relationships. These views are often a cause of our suffering. I realized that I suffer when someone, especially someone to whom I’m close, says something I find annoying, irritating or even hurtful. This behavior breaks my fundamental view that people, and especially family, should act a certain way, the way I think is the “right” way. Having this view causes me to suffer. The Dharma teaches that understanding cultivates patience, an appropriate antidote in this situation.
In an effort to understand what is occurring and why, I realized that these unwholesome feelings are the result of my causes and conditions, what the other person said is a product of their causes and conditions, and in fact, we’re all doing the very best that we can!
Some time later, I’m still reminding my guard to turn away those unwelcome guests when they arrive. When they do, I search for wholesome mind states such as acceptance and understanding. I also practice deep breathing to access a forgiving and patient mind. These practices are new to me. I vow to be more generous and compassionate in my relationships.
Thank you, Fred, for once again, teaching me new ways of being and new ways of thinking so that I can be happier, calmer and more understanding on the path to becoming a Bodhisattva.
June Hemberger, of Naples and Norwich, VT, discovered Naples Sangha about nine years ago after previously meditating intermittently. She lives with her partner, Steve, and their happy 13-year-old standard poodle who teaches them to be calm, loving and good natured!
