By HEATHER STAMBAUGH-MUKHERJEE
Practicing with anger has been a big part of my path over the last year-plus, and I recently
continued on this path of transformation by attending FCM's workshop, "Loosening the Knots of Anger."
The workshop offered the perspective that anger happens on a spectrum, from mild annoyance at one end to full-blown rage at the other. I have never seen myself as "an angry person." Most people who know me would likely say the same. But an internally annoyed and perpetually irritated person whose mind gripes endlessly about how nearly everything should be different than it is? Yes, there's no denying that!
It was beneficial that the workshop reiterated the simple lesson of watering seeds -- my mind gripes and feels irritated because those are the mind states that were conditioned in me and that I have since nurtured.
But by approaching all phenomena with kind investigation, I am learning to water wholesome seeds. When I notice my mind asking, "Why didn't my husband take out the trash last night like he said he would?!" (complete with the interrobang of frustration at the end), I can breathe, look deeply, and see that he worked late. I can soften as I remember his exhaustion at bedtime. I can ask myself if there is another possible explanation for the trash transgression besides "He doesn't want to pull his weight around here!" (Spoiler alert: There are hundreds of other reasons, and they all make sense given his causes and conditions!)
Of course, some days since I attended the workshop, the irritated seeds have popped up when I'm not practicing diligently. Annoyed rumination waters the seeds when I don't see my thoughts or emotions.
The workshop taught the importance of noticing various signs of anger, including body sensations. I'm realizing that my awareness has largely been disconnected from my body during an experience of anger. Now I'm making an effort to notice that I experience a clenched jaw when I'm annoyed, and that this sensation of tension is a "bell of mindfulness" to check my mind. This "bell" reminds me to relax my entire face, breathe, perhaps even smile, and touch a sense of calm presence.
And sometimes with this practice, there is not a calm presence. As was taught in the workshop, sometimes emotion underlying the anger arises. I've found lately that these underlying emotions for me are hurt and fear. When I become aware that what's present is actually a feeling of wounding or vulnerability, I can then choose a caring response, like RAIN or Metta.
I am deeply grateful for the wisdom, compassion, and skillful teaching that I find in sangha at FCM, and the "Loosening the Knots of Anger" workshop offered exactly that. As I write this, I'm reflecting on what life would be like if I had not found FCM, had not begun to wake up to my perpetual irritation... And I'm struck by a sincere wish that all may know the joy of healing and transforming their anger.
Heather Stambaugh-Mukherjee of Lakeland came to FCM in 2020 after practicing mindfulness-based psychotherapies in her private practice for several years and noticing a spiritual pull toward personal transformation. She has participated in a number of Dharma offerings over the past year, and is currently participating in the Four Immeasurables Intensive. In her spare time, Heather enjoys spending time in nature, making art, snuggling her pets, and baking sourdough bread from scratch.
